tell me how to feel 

Why do I keep feeling like I made a mistake? Like I’m convincing myself that he’s not the right one for me? I know that we didn’t work in a long list of ways, but I keep feeling like over time, that could change. That maybe one day we will be right for each other. I’m going mad because I miss him like crazy and there’s constantly thugs I want to share with him. I always had a feeling we ended prematurely and maybe that’s what’s up. But maybe it’s also because all I keep thinking about is the good and of course that never helps. But also when I try to think of the bad there wasn’t much when it came down to the two of us. Everything else was just an external factor. Once again I’m feeling like I need to talk to him. Like we need to talk this out and he needs to tell me how to feel 


Yesterday, at work, the most beautifully peaceful thing happened. I watched pollen gently drift off the tree in the backyard. It almost looked as if the tree was squirting it off or something. I mean it is something that’s just so easy to miss but if you look closely enough and long enough you can see little tuffs of pollen continuously squirting off. I don’t know but I just loved it. It was so beautiful and peaceful. It was like the world had to stand still for that moment so I could see it. I loved it. 


Of course there are still days when I miss you more than others. When I question whether or not I made the right choice. When I swears to god that I can’t live without you in my life. When I can’t breathe. 

But I know in my heart of hearts that I made the proper choice. Now is not our time. Maybe one day it will be but I also can’t harbor that hope. I will always love him like crazy and that’s okay too. I really believe that we can be friends again and find our way back to each other, all I have to do is give it time. That’s the hardest part. 

I need to stop thinking that it’s over and he’s gone from my life for good because I know that if I wanted him there he would be there. We truly are the best of friends and I know that I can always count on him 


Well it’s officially over, ended. Yesterday we went out to lunch and saw each other for the first time since the initial break up. It was awkward and forced for the most part and then at the end he asked if our profession of love phone call about a month ago still held the same. I told him that I still loved him but I just didn’t think romantically anymore. We went back and forth for a little before he wanted to leave. I could see the tears trying not to pool in his eyes. I think he wanted me to say that yes, it all still holds true it’s still you, but in his heart of hearts he knew. We parted ways very amicably with a friendly hug. I cried for a few hours solid thinking I was dying again. I know I made the right choice and i really did the right thing but it still doesn’t make it any easier. It’s just so incredibly bone crushingly sad. I had been so in love with him and I was so sure that he was my person. I know that I’m a lot farther along in the grieving process than he his but I’m still overwhelmed with sadness sometimes. I think about all the wonderful times we had and how happy we were together. It was a great fit for a while but not the perfect fit. We both couldn’t give each other what we really needed and that’s perfectly okay. We were growing apart and I know from yesterday that by the end we had nothing in common. It was the right thing to do for both of us. It still doesn’t hurt any less though. It’s officially closing that door that I need to cope with now. To completely move on and stop saving myself in little ways like I had for him. Maybe one day it can be but I can’t give myself that hope either. We’re two different people now who want and need different things out of life. He’s still just a boy. I think at first I was so scared that I had lost him forever, that he was no longer in my life anymore and now a stranger but I really feel like one day we can be good friends again and once more a part of each other’s lives. We just need some time apart for now to really mourn and move on and that’s perfectly okay and healthy. I know that everything will be fine and that I will find someone again but for now I need to just be content with me and my life. I will always love him dearly and he will always have a very special place in my heart it’s just not as large as it once was. 


It’s 6:12 and after 19 years of pain I am filled with forgiveness 

It’s 6:13 and after 2 years of giving myself to you I can finally give myself the love I deserve 

It’s 6:14 and after years of never feeling good enough I know that I am more than enough

It’s 6:15 and my happiness grows with each minute that ticks by knowing that I am finally free to live my life for me. 


Recently I downloaded this meditation app and it’s wonderful. Truthfully I’ve never really been into meditation-I never thought I had the attention spans but this app is great. They’re guided meditations so someone talks the whole time. Granted, I still can’t just sit still and do it. I’m often driving or walking but it’s still very nice. It helps me feel that feeling of centeredness that I was looking for last year at church. Today was a really good one on equanimity. She talked about how we all just want to find happiness. I’ve never met a more true statement and it really has changed me in this short time. I think that even though some people are not so nice about it, and don’t often go about it in the proper ways, it is so totally true that all we are looking for is happiness. Because of this, we need to forgive!! I can’t blame people for their actions constantly when all they are trying to do is be happy, even if it is a fucked up way. We have to forgive people for their faults and realize that each and every one of us wants the same thing-to be happy. 


Some days I miss you more than others. I feel like I’m constantly thinking about you but at that same time never am. I know subconsciously that I am single year I don’t feel it. I feel this attachment to you still. Maybe it’s because nothing has changed. This is just like how it used to be when we were long distance. I know you still love me and I still love you too. Now all I have to do is wait. That will be the hardest part. 

But for now, I am content. I know that all the “issues” in my life are pretty unsolvable and there is nothing I can do to fix them or make them better. Nothing but wait that is….this is all just a lesson in patience and the world knows I need it. So for not in content, till you come back to make me happy again. 

he loves me 

I talked to him last night. Over the phone. In someways I think I got the reassurance I needed from him but I’m left even more confused about my own feelings. I know he loves me and cares for me still. I can tell and feel it. I can tell in the songs he listens to and in the way he wanted to just tell me everything but was still holding back. He’s hadn’t had the time nor the thought to move on. So he hasn’t. But is it because he still loves of because he’s not capable of moving on? Who knows….but is that what’s important? Isn’t it just important that he loves me? I guess so. 

But do I still love him? Yes of course I do, but is it still the same? That phone call I just needed something. Some reassurance and I got it. I got what I was looking for. But now I’m left confused by my old feelings. I kept trying to feel something and I didn’t. I felt nothing. If anything I felt like I ruined it. I kept thwarting his probes. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I need him to make me fall in love with him again. 

I deserve better 

Bottom line is I deserve better than this. All of this. I deserve someone that cares enough to ask about me and how I really am even if it pains them. I deserve someone that will occasionally put their needs aside for mine. I deserve someone that won’t just tell me that he loves me but actually show it too. I deserve someone that will fucking be on time. I deserve someone that will make me feel loved every minute of everyday. I deserve someone that won’t disappoint me or let me down. I deserve someone who will put effort not just into me but all aspects of my life. I deserve someone that will always be a constant and that I can depend on. I deserve someone that I don’t have to compete with other people or a fucking sport for their love. I deserve someone that won’t hold me back from doing things that I want. I deserve someone that won’t leave me every time they have an identity crisis. I deserve someone that wouldn’t put me through this agony and pain. I deserve better.