over

Well it’s officially over, ended. Yesterday we went out to lunch and saw each other for the first time since the initial break up. It was awkward and forced for the most part and then at the end he asked if our profession of love phone call about a month ago still held the same. I told him that I still loved him but I just didn’t think romantically anymore. We went back and forth for a little before he wanted to leave. I could see the tears trying not to pool in his eyes. I think he wanted me to say that yes, it all still holds true it’s still you, but in his heart of hearts he knew. We parted ways very amicably with a friendly hug. I cried for a few hours solid thinking I was dying again. I know I made the right choice and i really did the right thing but it still doesn’t make it any easier. It’s just so incredibly bone crushingly sad. I had been so in love with him and I was so sure that he was my person. I know that I’m a lot farther along in the grieving process than he his but I’m still overwhelmed with sadness sometimes. I think about all the wonderful times we had and how happy we were together. It was a great fit for a while but not the perfect fit. We both couldn’t give each other what we really needed and that’s perfectly okay. We were growing apart and I know from yesterday that by the end we had nothing in common. It was the right thing to do for both of us. It still doesn’t hurt any less though. It’s officially closing that door that I need to cope with now. To completely move on and stop saving myself in little ways like I had for him. Maybe one day it can be but I can’t give myself that hope either. We’re two different people now who want and need different things out of life. He’s still just a boy. I think at first I was so scared that I had lost him forever, that he was no longer in my life anymore and now a stranger but I really feel like one day we can be good friends again and once more a part of each other’s lives. We just need some time apart for now to really mourn and move on and that’s perfectly okay and healthy. I know that everything will be fine and that I will find someone again but for now I need to just be content with me and my life. I will always love him dearly and he will always have a very special place in my heart it’s just not as large as it once was. 

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