contentedness

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Some days I miss you more than others. I feel like I’m constantly thinking about you but at that same time never am. I know subconsciously that I am single year I don’t feel it. I feel this attachment to you still. Maybe it’s because nothing has changed. This is just like how it used to be when we were long distance. I know you still love me and I still love you too. Now all I have to do is wait. That will be the hardest part. 

But for now, I am content. I know that all the “issues” in my life are pretty unsolvable and there is nothing I can do to fix them or make them better. Nothing but wait that is….this is all just a lesson in patience and the world knows I need it. So for not in content, till you come back to make me happy again. 

he loves me 

I talked to him last night. Over the phone. In someways I think I got the reassurance I needed from him but I’m left even more confused about my own feelings. I know he loves me and cares for me still. I can tell and feel it. I can tell in the songs he listens to and in the way he wanted to just tell me everything but was still holding back. He’s hadn’t had the time nor the thought to move on. So he hasn’t. But is it because he still loves of because he’s not capable of moving on? Who knows….but is that what’s important? Isn’t it just important that he loves me? I guess so. 

But do I still love him? Yes of course I do, but is it still the same? That phone call I just needed something. Some reassurance and I got it. I got what I was looking for. But now I’m left confused by my old feelings. I kept trying to feel something and I didn’t. I felt nothing. If anything I felt like I ruined it. I kept thwarting his probes. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I need him to make me fall in love with him again. 

I deserve better 

Bottom line is I deserve better than this. All of this. I deserve someone that cares enough to ask about me and how I really am even if it pains them. I deserve someone that will occasionally put their needs aside for mine. I deserve someone that won’t just tell me that he loves me but actually show it too. I deserve someone that will fucking be on time. I deserve someone that will make me feel loved every minute of everyday. I deserve someone that won’t disappoint me or let me down. I deserve someone who will put effort not just into me but all aspects of my life. I deserve someone that will always be a constant and that I can depend on. I deserve someone that I don’t have to compete with other people or a fucking sport for their love. I deserve someone that won’t hold me back from doing things that I want. I deserve someone that won’t leave me every time they have an identity crisis. I deserve someone that wouldn’t put me through this agony and pain. I deserve better. 

girls

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I love girls. We are fabulous. We rock. Yeah there may be a few bad eggs here and there but overall we know how to stick by each other. I really don’t think I have ever met a genuinely awful bitchy girl. Granted, there are some I’m not the biggest fan of but they’re still super nice and sweet but most importantly, there for us when I need them. As a girl I just feel a part of this unmistakable sisterhood sometimes. I know that no matter what, and if push comes to shove we got each other backs. Walking down a poorly lit street by another girl we  automatically have this understanding. I got you. Idk girls just care more. I just love being a girl. 

keep going 

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You have me caught in a merry go round of confusion. I don’t know what to feel thing or do. I don’t know how to fix or solve these feelings I feel. One moment I’m lusting after someone else and the next I’m stuck on you. I don’t know the right solution to this all. To be completely honest I don’t think my life had ever felt this chaotic. I feel like I’m living in chaos and I have no clue what the next moment brings me. I can’t even predict my own thoughts and movements. I laid in bed for about 90% of the day. I’ve had awful things happen to me and wonderful things. I have no clue what to make of all of it.

I guess I just have to keep chugging along. That’s all I can ask of myself 

good day

What defines a good day? I don’t know maybe it’s the combination of a million tiny little things that make me happy or one giant thing that overshadows all the bad. Maybe it’s just when I have a really simple day because that in itself I find so beautiful. Maybe it’s the mood that i wake up in. Or when I have a really banging outfit. 

Whatever it may be I love good days. But even more than that, I love days that I refuse to let anything bad hurt me. Jose are the best days. When I am impervious to the bad. 

I hope you all have a great day 😉