meditation

Recently I downloaded this meditation app and it’s wonderful. Truthfully I’ve never really been into meditation-I never thought I had the attention spans but this app is great. They’re guided meditations so someone talks the whole time. Granted, I still can’t just sit still and do it. I’m often driving or walking but it’s still very nice. It helps me feel that feeling of centeredness that I was looking for last year at church. Today was a really good one on equanimity. She talked about how we all just want to find happiness. I’ve never met a more true statement and it really has changed me in this short time. I think that even though some people are not so nice about it, and don’t often go about it in the proper ways, it is so totally true that all we are looking for is happiness. Because of this, we need to forgive!! I can’t blame people for their actions constantly when all they are trying to do is be happy, even if it is a fucked up way. We have to forgive people for their faults and realize that each and every one of us wants the same thing-to be happy. 

contentedness

Some days I miss you more than others. I feel like I’m constantly thinking about you but at that same time never am. I know subconsciously that I am single year I don’t feel it. I feel this attachment to you still. Maybe it’s because nothing has changed. This is just like how it used to be when we were long distance. I know you still love me and I still love you too. Now all I have to do is wait. That will be the hardest part. 

But for now, I am content. I know that all the “issues” in my life are pretty unsolvable and there is nothing I can do to fix them or make them better. Nothing but wait that is….this is all just a lesson in patience and the world knows I need it. So for not in content, till you come back to make me happy again. 

he loves me

I talked to him last night. Over the phone. In someways I think I got the reassurance I needed from him but I’m left even more confused about my own feelings. I know he loves me and cares for me still. I can tell and feel it. I can tell in the songs he listens to and in the way he wanted to just tell me everything but was still holding back. He’s hadn’t had the time nor the thought to move on. So he hasn’t. But is it because he still loves of because he’s not capable of moving on? Who knows….but is that what’s important? Isn’t it just important that he loves me? I guess so. 

But do I still love him? Yes of course I do, but is it still the same? That phone call I just needed something. Some reassurance and I got it. I got what I was looking for. But now I’m left confused by my old feelings. I kept trying to feel something and I didn’t. I felt nothing. If anything I felt like I ruined it. I kept thwarting his probes. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I need him to make me fall in love with him again. 

I deserve better

Bottom line is I deserve better than this. All of this. I deserve someone that cares enough to ask about me and how I really am even if it pains them. I deserve someone that will occasionally put their needs aside for mine. I deserve someone that won’t just tell me that he loves me but actually show it too. I deserve someone that will fucking be on time. I deserve someone that will make me feel loved every minute of everyday. I deserve someone that won’t disappoint me or let me down. I deserve someone who will put effort not just into me but all aspects of my life. I deserve someone that will always be a constant and that I can depend on. I deserve someone that I don’t have to compete with other people or a fucking sport for their love. I deserve someone that won’t hold me back from doing things that I want. I deserve someone that won’t leave me every time they have an identity crisis. I deserve someone that wouldn’t put me through this agony and pain. I deserve better. 

girls

I love girls. We are fabulous. We rock. Yeah there may be a few bad eggs here and there but overall we know how to stick by each other. I really don’t think I have ever met a genuinely awful bitchy girl. Granted, there are some I’m not the biggest fan of but they’re still super nice and sweet but most importantly, there for us when I need them. As a girl I just feel a part of this unmistakable sisterhood sometimes. I know that no matter what, and if push comes to shove we got each other backs. Walking down a poorly lit street by another girl we  automatically have this understanding. I got you. Idk girls just care more. I just love being a girl. 

keep going

You have me caught in a merry go round of confusion. I don’t know what to feel thing or do. I don’t know how to fix or solve these feelings I feel. One moment I’m lusting after someone else and the next I’m stuck on you. I don’t know the right solution to this all. To be completely honest I don’t think my life had ever felt this chaotic. I feel like I’m living in chaos and I have no clue what the next moment brings me. I can’t even predict my own thoughts and movements. I laid in bed for about 90% of the day. I’ve had awful things happen to me and wonderful things. I have no clue what to make of all of it.

I guess I just have to keep chugging along. That’s all I can ask of myself 

good day

What defines a good day? I don’t know maybe it’s the combination of a million tiny little things that make me happy or one giant thing that overshadows all the bad. Maybe it’s just when I have a really simple day because that in itself I find so beautiful. Maybe it’s the mood that i wake up in. Or when I have a really banging outfit. 

Whatever it may be I love good days. But even more than that, I love days that I refuse to let anything bad hurt me. Jose are the best days. When I am impervious to the bad. 

I hope you all have a great day 😉 

list of regrets

To add this to the list of mistakes I’ve made, I decided to text him last night. I regret it so much. I honestly don’t even know how to explain the conversation but it was useless. I think I was a bit confused too. Last night I was such a wreck and I guess I just needed some reassurance from him in some way that we were going to be okay. I did not get that, I actually felt worse, even a little rejected. He confuses me so crazy much I don’t get him sometimes which is also weird because I understand him so well too. I just want to know that it’s still me. But at the same time just like every other time we’ve texted I’m once again reminded of all the things hat were wrong. But at the same moment I miss all those things and how much of a disaster he was. I miss taking care of him. But I do not miss putting up with the rest of shit like this. Last night all I wanted to do was get him to beg me to take him back. And in that moment of weakness I would have done it. But I think I was in such shock and so overwhelmed but the day and that other guy that I was vulnerable bc now I again know that we need this break up or break or whatever it is. 

Update: he texted me back and I love him and maybe this break is stupid……..

not ready

I’ve made a terrible mistake. I went on a stupid date with someone and he’s great and nice and sweet and into me (not my type though at all) and it was so incredibly painful. I’m not ready. I don’t think I’ll be ready till I have to force myself to be. Till I know it’s over for sure. I’ve realized today that I don’t have anything I need to work on or improve. I’m perfectly fine. And I want us to be together again. I want him back. God this fucking sucks. 

obsessed

“You’re obsessed with him.”

Am I really though? God fucking damnit. I don’t want to be. You don’t understand how actively I try not to think about him and not to talk about him. And I hate myself for it. For still being wrapped up in him and that I still love him. That despite it all, I want us to win. I’m rooting for us, together, just him and I. But can you blame me? Am I wrong to talk about him? He was the largest part of my life for the better part of two years and now he’s gone. But at the same time, he’s still there. I’m so confused by my emotions and what the right thing is to do. I’ve made a tinder as of tonight and a boy messaged me and I have matches whatever the hell that means. Part of me feels like this is cheating, and the other knows that I’m not. But my heart is still with him. What the fuck am I doing.