tell me how to feel 

Why do I keep feeling like I made a mistake? Like I’m convincing myself that he’s not the right one for me? I know that we didn’t work in a long list of ways, but I keep feeling like over time, that could change. That maybe one day we will be right for each other. I’m going mad because I miss him like crazy and there’s constantly thugs I want to share with him. I always had a feeling we ended prematurely and maybe that’s what’s up. But maybe it’s also because all I keep thinking about is the good and of course that never helps. But also when I try to think of the bad there wasn’t much when it came down to the two of us. Everything else was just an external factor. Once again I’m feeling like I need to talk to him. Like we need to talk this out and he needs to tell me how to feel 



Yesterday, at work, the most beautifully peaceful thing happened. I watched pollen gently drift off the tree in the backyard. It almost looked as if the tree was squirting it off or something. I mean it is something that’s just so easy to miss but if you look closely enough and long enough you can see little tuffs of pollen continuously squirting off. I don’t know but I just loved it. It was so beautiful and peaceful. It was like the world had to stand still for that moment so I could see it. I loved it. 


Of course there are still days when I miss you more than others. When I question whether or not I made the right choice. When I swears to god that I can’t live without you in my life. When I can’t breathe. 

But I know in my heart of hearts that I made the proper choice. Now is not our time. Maybe one day it will be but I also can’t harbor that hope. I will always love him like crazy and that’s okay too. I really believe that we can be friends again and find our way back to each other, all I have to do is give it time. That’s the hardest part. 

I need to stop thinking that it’s over and he’s gone from my life for good because I know that if I wanted him there he would be there. We truly are the best of friends and I know that I can always count on him 


It’s 6:12 and after 19 years of pain I am filled with forgiveness 

It’s 6:13 and after 2 years of giving myself to you I can finally give myself the love I deserve 

It’s 6:14 and after years of never feeling good enough I know that I am more than enough

It’s 6:15 and my happiness grows with each minute that ticks by knowing that I am finally free to live my life for me. 

i miss you 

Today I accidentally saw a picture your mom posted of you and it made me miss you. I know you’re not the cutest most attractive boy out them but I miss your lazy smile and sparkling eyes. More than that though I miss them being directed at me.