tell me how to feel 

Why do I keep feeling like I made a mistake? Like I’m convincing myself that he’s not the right one for me? I know that we didn’t work in a long list of ways, but I keep feeling like over time, that could change. That maybe one day we will be right for each other. I’m going mad because I miss him like crazy and there’s constantly thugs I want to share with him. I always had a feeling we ended prematurely and maybe that’s what’s up. But maybe it’s also because all I keep thinking about is the good and of course that never helps. But also when I try to think of the bad there wasn’t much when it came down to the two of us. Everything else was just an external factor. Once again I’m feeling like I need to talk to him. Like we need to talk this out and he needs to tell me how to feel 

pollen 

Yesterday, at work, the most beautifully peaceful thing happened. I watched pollen gently drift off the tree in the backyard. It almost looked as if the tree was squirting it off or something. I mean it is something that’s just so easy to miss but if you look closely enough and long enough you can see little tuffs of pollen continuously squirting off. I don’t know but I just loved it. It was so beautiful and peaceful. It was like the world had to stand still for that moment so I could see it. I loved it. 

waiting 

Of course there are still days when I miss you more than others. When I question whether or not I made the right choice. When I swears to god that I can’t live without you in my life. When I can’t breathe. 

But I know in my heart of hearts that I made the proper choice. Now is not our time. Maybe one day it will be but I also can’t harbor that hope. I will always love him like crazy and that’s okay too. I really believe that we can be friends again and find our way back to each other, all I have to do is give it time. That’s the hardest part. 

I need to stop thinking that it’s over and he’s gone from my life for good because I know that if I wanted him there he would be there. We truly are the best of friends and I know that I can always count on him 

its 

It’s 6:12 and after 19 years of pain I am filled with forgiveness 

It’s 6:13 and after 2 years of giving myself to you I can finally give myself the love I deserve 

It’s 6:14 and after years of never feeling good enough I know that I am more than enough

It’s 6:15 and my happiness grows with each minute that ticks by knowing that I am finally free to live my life for me. 

i miss you 

Today I accidentally saw a picture your mom posted of you and it made me miss you. I know you’re not the cutest most attractive boy out them but I miss your lazy smile and sparkling eyes. More than that though I miss them being directed at me.