losing sleep

I’m so crazy confused by how I feel. One minute I’m over you and the next I’m kept awake thinking about you and how good we felt together. My mind says no but my heart says yes. I’m trying so hard to move on yet I’m also trying just as hard to not. I know that I’ve said the same words to you that you have said to me. But mine weren’t completely genuine. And that terrifies me because that could also mean that yours weren’t too. But I also think that I know you enough to know that you wouldn’t lie about that. You’re too honest and genuine yourself. I want to believe you’re being honest, but my dishonesty fucks that all up. Where is the truth? The shutty thing is that we will never ever know. We can only know how we ourself feel but nothing more. I miss you but I also don’t. Maybe it’s the idea of you. Also combined with the fear of rejection because I want to be in control. I love the idea of you still loving me and pinning after me…in a very incredibly selfish way. I want to be the one that got over you, not the other way around. But at the same time, I want us to be together. I want us. But I also want to be free, I want us with the freedom of just me. But I can’t have that. And its too unfair of me to ask that of you. It’s just difficult because I don’t know how you’re feeling either. I suppose I’m just assuming. Yet I also need to be prepared for the worst: that you will move on, that you’ll fall out of love with me. Words are just words, and for a long time your actions haven’t matched with your words. 

This is all so messy and confusing. It’s chaos. 

I need to know how you feel, so I can know how I feel too. 

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